and heres a poster i made up for my night...

From: Darren Russell [thedarrenxshow@gmail.com]
Sent: Sunday, January 08, 2012 5:16 PM
To: Rees, Paul
Subject: LETTER: Oi Q...

Oi Q,

What do you think you're playing at?

Just finishing reading your '140 songs to download' feature and whilst it was a throughly enjoyable lazy sunday spent listening to each of the songs recommended. I couldn't help but spot that you sneakily put 'Pulled apart by horses - V.E.N.O.M' in at number 32 AND 131. Whilst i am partial to a bit of Horses, this song isn't that great in my opinion that it merits being downloaded twice. Frankly, I would rather use the extra 8mb that it would take up on my hard drive to put towards my ever growing collection of GIF kittens. Whilst i am sure this is only an editorial failure and punishment of which should be nothing less than to sit and listen to Chris Moyles on repeat for the next 3 days only stopping occasionally when someone comes in to check you haven't OD'd on his EGO, i would appreciate if you would give us the missing track, as I believe I, and countless other Q readers have been misled by your 139 songs to download instead of 140. May i suggest some 'Hot hot heat' because its my favourite?

Yours Exaggeratedly,

Darren Russell

From: "Rees, Paul"
Date: 9 January 2012 08:17:55 AM GMT
To: Darren Russell
Subject: RE: LETTER: Oi Q...

Good spot, Darren.

The hairshirt is coming out of the cupboard as we speak...

Having recently purchased an iPad I have now seen the future of nightclubbing and pub DJing. Maybe DJing in general.

Firstly, the iPad isn't only the most solid media device I think I have ever used. It's not a computer and therefore shouldn't be treated like one. What this means is; the way you have to close a computer down and take a big enough bag with you to take it to the gig, the iPad you don't. The iPad sleeps and awakens instantly. Throws straight into your bag and feels like you can just forget about it. Let alone the battery life is astronomical even for a hardcore user. But the iPad itself isn't what will change the DJ landscape forever, it's the software that is available.

Damon Albarn recently recorded a whole album using entirely iPad apps. What's to stop you going into a club and DJing for 4 hours doing the same?

The most awesome DJ app of he lot is DJAY. I lets you use your iTunes library (stored in your iPad) to DJ two tracks at a time as stealthily as your heart desires. It's seamless, it almost is too good sometimes. It also has a shit load of effects and is stocked just as much as Virtual DJ for your laptop. Just say one of your punters ask for a song you don't have. Just download it on iTunes and then it's available straight away in the application to cue up next.

There is a few things that are gong to be added in due course like sampling which also might come in handy if you want to use your iPad for broadcasting etc.

Say DJAY were to link this little bad boy with spotify and give you premium members the access to all the music on there too. It'd be unstoppable.

Anyway, rant almost over.

DJ's ditch that laptop. Use your iPad.

Done.

Dearest Q,

Why are all the other magazines which i subscribe (namely: The Beano and Take A Break - say what you like about it but there make-it-yourself section is second to none, what with the recession and that, who doesn't want to know how to turn there curtains into a handy shoe rack or how to make CD coasters) now offering an iPad (other tablets available) version of there magazine to loyal subscribers and not you. I understand that this is probably more of a logistics issue rather than just because it'll give some bloke in marketing more work to do (and let's face it - nobody that works in marketing is particularly pleasant) but imagine this if you will:

I am marooned on a small island after my RyanAir flight (which i am taking due to aforementioned recession) becomes too heavy as they have started to double up passengers on there planes. Not just normal passengers but fat ones. Americans if you will. Long story short. An American goes to the toilet  to freshen up after his KFC bucket and hot wings before having desert (a zinger tower meal) and gets stuck, wedged behind the door unable to retreat. He is there for literally minutes before he starts getting hungry again. Panicking, realising that soon he may be able to start seeing his feet again, he looks around for the first thing that he can grab to stop his famine. Toilet paper, soap, waste bin,  toilet seat, before all the remotely loose objects are making there way through his torso. He burps, still hungry he knows that he needs to do something quick. At that, he grabs the wall of the plane and shuvs it into his mouth like a cat eating tuna. Sure enough, he creates a big hole in the side of the plane and gets sucked off to his horrible death straight into the engine. I survive. Obviously, I'm the main character. Only my iPad and a few cigarettes remain of my belongings. I swim ashore, iPad overhead straight onto a desert beach. Everything is sad. Yes. I'm in what many would call paradise away from murderers and Cher Lloyd but I'll never see my loved ones again. Never get to see them laugh or cry. Never get to wake up on a Sunday morning to the birds singing at my window (I live next to a brothel). 

Then I remember; my iPad. Of course. Everything will be ok after all. I smile. Quickly opening it up and going to the app store, clicking the search button and typing in 'Q Magazine' only to be greeted by some silly girls fashion magazine. All of a sudden, I feel a cold drip of sweat ripple down my back "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" I say. I wish I could swap places with fatty now. I am done!




Get what I mean?

Darren X

A British man has become the first to seek therapy for an addiction to sausages.

David Harding has a 13-a-day sausage habit and has reportedly spent almost £2,000 on counselling and hypnosis sessions to help his compulsion.

"I genuinely cannot bear the thought of living without sausages," Harding told The Mirror of his problem. "Drug addicts crave their fix and it's the same for me, except my drug is a banger."

The 47-year-old said that he realised that he had a serious problem when he got mad at the idea of not having sausages for dinner, and decided to seek professional help.

"Apparently I just like sausages, plain and simple," Harding said, after admitting that therapy hasn't helped. "I don't see there is anything wrong with that, but I do think that I have to look at ways to control my urges."

Harding claims to have had at least one sausage every day since the age of five.

Scene is the shittest gay bar in Glasgow, if not the UK.

If you drink there, you are scum.

The staff are all rent boys who take nothing but pleasure in offering freebies with a vodka mix. As they are normally, these rent boys are the most hideous, vulgar, dregs of society but yet insist on taking there tops off at almost any occasion to reveal there pale, spotty and overall grotesque bodies which could quite simply be compared to that of the long dead corpse that once belonged to a skinny 12 year old child.

There regulars almost always fit into one of the following categories:

1. Paedo
2. Under age
3. Mentally disabled
4. Pill junkie
5. AID's carrier
6. All of the above (the most popular)

Frankly, it's great that these cretins visit this shit hole as it keeps them off the streets and out of my way. I'm fairly confident that they have a toilet somewhere in the building, yet most of Scene's regulars prefer to use the floor which just adds to amazing aroma of puke, sweat, shit and watered down alcohol, which is unique to the pub and the regulars must enjoy the smell as they are often heard sniffing very loudly from the 'VIP' area. Yes, you heard correct. If 'VIP' areas consist of a pool table, an old pervert, heavy petting and a sticky floor then this is most certainly, a 'VIP' area. Wouldn't you just feel so important?

The pub itself is laughable. The decor just screams "TACKY", just like the staff, and it has never, even when it just opened, looked good. If you're trying to find Scene then look no further than the dark, uninviting doorway which sits amongst the Italian centre. From there, go down about 600 stairs to a place where you can't get a reception on your mobile, a hot date, a good chat or a cold beer. You can however enjoy easy boys with no self respect or shame, terrible customer service delivered to you by an under age prostitute selling shots, unconvincing and unfunny drag queens squeezed into there mums church frock, a bunch of people (see above) that are out there face on amphetamines and have forgotten the basics of the English language and of course, some of that watered down lager we promised you earlier. Mmmmmm.

As I said, shit hole.

Go once just to laugh at how much of a dump it is and get an ego boost from the fact that you're the most handsome person in the building. But visit it quick, it's not likely to see another year. Then once you've visited. Leave and go visit a nice pub with a good atmosphere, instead of one with so much tension you fear you may get your throat slashed.

Tell them Darren sent you.

It's just over a month ago since I outed @Lightbringer87 on this site and told nearly 5000 readers (in the space of 24 hours) about who he actually was and to be honest the whole thing very quickly got out of hand... and it was FUCKIN hilarious.


I had 500 tweets in 15 minutes, every one of them telling me just much they enjoyed reading it and people like those fuckin fairies GALE and HOE tweeted me (I still have copies of them) and said that it was awesome and that 'I was the most entertaining person on twitter', hypocritical considering they then went on to tell the person I 'outed' how 'out of order I was'.


What happened afterwards? The retraction, the apology, the silence, etc.


I stand by everything that I said in those two original blog posts. If you read them and know what they said and who they 'outed' then I'm sure you will agree that he/she deserves the title of 'Online sexual predator' and 'Fraud'.


That person made so much of a big deal out of it on twitter and purported to get solicitors etc (Bullshit as they would laugh in his/her face) 


They even went to the lengths of getting my old address (which anyone can have I don't exactly hide it) and threaten me.


NOW I'M SORRY, but if you really WERE innocent wouldn't you just drop it and get on with your life? instead you're threatening someone. 


I stand by every word i wrote and the reason I've waited until now to bring this whole thing up again is because it's only just died down.


PEOPLE WERE STILL TALKING ABOUT IT ON MY TIME LINE LAST WEEK.


It is by far the funniest thing i have ever used my twitter for yet and is up there with Mrs. Snugglepuss, that Naked picture, the Storm Lee thing, GRINDR hot or not, Bieber or Beaver, TOP OR BOTTOM and it certainly wont be the last thing i post on twitter that will once again concrete the fact that, were you like me or not, i am the most entertaining person on twitter if not a bit of a dickhead.